Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda
Recently at work I have been tasked with reading applications for two different fellowships. And both rounds made me feel depressed and rueful.
Here were piles of applications of uber-qualified candidates, with resumes chock full of impressive internships, jobs, research positions, etc. etc. All from students who graduated with honors from top universities (and high honors on a senior research project!).
While reading, I started losing focus on the applicants themselves and began the comparisons. In my opinion, I paled easily. Aside from volunteer experience, a college internship at Planned Parenthood, and the month I spent as a legislative aide in the Massachusetts state house, my resume is pretty standard. I’ve held administrative jobs since college, whereas these candidates had worked in think tanks, managed campaigns, consulted, and held other jobs that counted as “real experience” in their respective fields.
I found it depressing and maddening-I wasn’t as far along as some of these students, some of whom had graduated in the same year. Why have I spent almost two and a half years keeping calendars, answering phones, and staffing events and not furthering myself in my direct field? Not to say that I don’t have some notable credentials, and I am trying to expand my experience through volunteering and classes, but compared to them? Yikes.
This inevitably led to me kicking myself, playing the “Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda” game. I should have done more internships. I should have done more work outside of Emerson, and not focused entirely on student activities. I should have done more original research. I could have pushed myself to investigate my academic interests past my assignments. I could have put more effort into my directed study, for which I did very little work, and could have produced a piece of academic writing. There is no way to tell where I would be now if I had explored more opportunities or devoted more time to academic pursuits.
No matter what, I can’t change what has already occurred. I have chosen (at least partially) my current path, and am working on continuing to broaden myself. Some people start out of college with a bang, and some people have to take a slower approach to a career. Despite the really cool things that some of my peers are doing, I am proud where I am in life.
So it doesn’t matter what I woulda, coulda, shoulda done in college and since graduation. It just matters what I’m doing now, and that I work on making calculated and positive steps forward. Dwell on the future, not the past.
I have a whole life’s worth of opportunity ahead of me, and I’m looking forward to exploring them. I’ll just make sure to be a bit more dedicated this time around.
Falling Feet First 